we keep posting in synch, heh

nah not really whaT  i was goin for at the time ithink, but as ageneralsentiment i wholeheartedly agree withthat, there is notthin but the way in which we choose to react toward it, no hard feelings Mags, goodbye and good luck

You know what forget what I said earlier, you and Face have every right to your own opinions and I am going to take your criticisms and re-work them as "constructive criticism" and make this fic a little more PC. After reading through I realize that when I had stated that James was being a male prostitue in San Francisco's Gay district (and Andy's assumption of a Lucy/Donna lesbian relationship) that could be insentive and I apologize for my ignorance to really see that scene through someone else's eyes and now instead of gay district he will simply be a prosititute in San Francisco, which is all still obsessive Donna's paranoia. Also the pizza guys scene will be reworked so that he passes off Leo's help note as a joke and laughs at him instead of misconstruing it as a come-on.

EDIT: Also not really any hard feelings, just because one set of people view things differently from another set does not necesarily mean that either one set of individuals is absolutely right or wrong, but if being more "PC" helps avoid anymore unecessary controversy or further thread derailment then I am all for it :) Not everyone in the world is going to be accepting or supportive of the GLBT community, exotic religious views, or just plain "unusual" lifestyles, there are going to be people like that in my fic, mainly just Donna but all of that stems from her ignorance/negligence of James' experience as a mechanic so she lets her emotions get the better of her and jumps to conclusions and assumes that James is doing something that she would disagree with (because she is selfish and wants him all to herself).

"This is the Girl."

Part 1 -REVISED

The Great Northern Inn
Special Agent Dale Cooper watched Josie's last few moments with a mixed feeling of terror and sorrow, he remembered seeing BOB appear out of nowhere and ask him: "How the Red Sox were doing this season?" The little man in the red suit appeared not long after, doing his usual dance on the bed where Josie died. Cooper blinked and the spotlight was still in the room, he turned and noticed something out of the corner of his eye; he looked and saw that Elaine Benes was dancing her horrible style of dancing in the corner of the hotel room, still insisting that she can dance. After a flash of light Elaine was gone, Cooper blinked again and placed a hand on Harry's shoulder: "Did you see Elaine dance just now?" Just then Doctor Will Hayward entered the room and coughed loud and abruptly, he grabbed Cooper by the arm and shoved him out of the room: "Listen Fed a man's girlfriend just died this is no time for you to be bringing up rival television shows!" the doctor said angrily before slamming the door shut in Cooer's face. Cooper wondered if something was bothering Doc Haywayrd before he left the station to get some donuts and coffee.

Windom Earle's Shack in the Woods
Meanwhile in Windom Earle's cabin, deep in the woods he fiddled with his flute as Leo played Halo on the XBox like a zombie mental patient. Windom angrily threw the flute across the room, smashing a ceramic tabby cat. "Where the hell is that pizza guy!?" he yelled angrily. "Swearing is bad!" Leo yelled back. Windom brandish the remote to Leo's shock collar and considered giving him several thousand volts, but relinquished the idea when he remembered that he needed Leo intact for when the pizza guy arrives. Windom in the meantime settled for throwing a nearby brick at the TV in which Leo was playing Halo, smashing the screen entirely.

The Packard/Martell Home
Catherine and Pete Martell were drinking coffee and reading the Sunday comics section of the newspaper. Pete giggled and then laughed uproariously, alerting Catherine's attention. "What is it Pete?" she asked. "Oh this Sherman's Lagoon is about a Shark eating people." Pete replied. Catherine rolled her eyes, "So what Pete, sharks DO eat people all of the time you know!?" Catherine said. Andrew Packard entered the kitchen in his bathrobe and went for the refrigerator to find that it had been padlocked, Andrew turned and gave his sister a curt smile before asking her "what was up?" Catherine returned the curt smile and took a sip of her coffee. "You can't be trusted with our food Andrew." Catherine cut to the point. "What are you talking about sister, who was it that saved you when the mill burned down?" Andrew asked. "You didn't save me Andrew you practically killed me; do you realize how much saturated fat was in those cans of Chef Boyardee?" Catherine questioned. "No, but you love the Chef!" Andrew replied. "Did you even bother to check the preservatives?" Catherine asked. "Catherine dear you know that I never check the labels." Andrew said. "Oh I know dear brother, that is why you have been cut off from the fridge until I am not fat anymore." Catherine insisted before standing up and exiting the kitchen. "Don't worry," Pete said, "You're not the only one who's cut off around here." Pete Martell reached down and pulled up a toaster and shook it upside down onto the table, "Want some toaster-leavins?" Pete asked as he jammed a handful of crumbs into his mouth.

The High School/Sheriff's Station
Donna was moping in the school library, it was a Saturday. The librarian scolded her for acting like a self-absorbed emo-kid and reminded her that it was Saturday. Donna asked her if she could quit her job and the librarian told her that it is OK that she is fired and being replaced with Ben Horne's son. Donna left the school and went over to a public payphone, she reached into her purse and pulled out a postcard from James Hurley. It was addressed to Donna and it said that he was doing fine, and was making a nice living in San Francisco, California. Donna got a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach and called up Sheriff Truman at the police station. Donna: "Hello, Lucy?" Lucy: "Yes Donna this is Lucy at the Sheriff's station, in the reception booth next to the coffee maker, I am using the black phone not the special red phone that is used for emergencies and stuff like that." Donna: "Uhhhh....can I please talk to Sheriff Truman?" Lucy: "Hang on let me see if he is available." meanwhile Harry is recovering from a 48 hour drinking binge and sound of the telephone causes him to vomit. Afterward he answers it; Harry: "Hello?" Lucy: "Sheriff, It's Lucy." Harry: "Yea I know." Lucy: "Oh...ummm Donna Hayward wants to talk to you, is that ok?" Harry: "Yea sure whatever, put her through." Lucy: "Okay I'm gonna put her through the green phone sitting on a pile of expired phonebooks, on the oak chest located next to the pool table, that's missing an 8-ball." Harry: "....do we even HAVE a pool table?" Lucy: "What?" Harry: "Nothing, just put her through." Lucy: "Donna, I'm gonna put you through to Sheriff Truman now, I am putting you through the green phone sitting on a pile of expired phonebooks, on an oak chest, next to the pool table with the missing 8-ball." Donna: "What!?" Lucy: "What?" Donna: "Nothing." Lucy: "Okay, hang on." (Lucy patches Donna through) Donna: "Sheriff Truman?" Harry: "Yes Donna, how can I help you?" Donna: "It's my brooding, tough-guy wannabe boyfriend James, he's-I think he's being a prostitute in San Francisco." Harry: "So...?" Donna: "So!? We need to get him back here now!" Harry: "Donna I can't do anything about that now, I am recovering from a major hangover, maybe Lucy can take you?" Lucy (eavesdropping): "I can!" Donna: "Erm, okay!" Lucy: "I'll pick you up after work." (Beeeeeeeeeeeep!) Lucy: "Hello? HellO?" Andy: "Hello!" Lucy: "Not you dumbass!" Andy: "Oh...." Lucy: "Anyway I'm leaving Twin peaks tonight, right after work." Andy: "WHAT? WHY!?!?!?" Lucy: "Me and Donna are gonna have a girl's night out in San Francisco." Andy: "In San Francisco, gee Lucy that sure is awful far just to have a girl's night out, couldn't you just go to the velvet rug?" Lucy: "It's not a party night Andy! And even if it were you're not invited!" Andy: "WHAT!? WHY!?!?!" Lucy: "Have you ever videotaped yourself and watched how you act in public?" Andy: ".....no." Lucy: "Well you need to do that, because you act like an epileptic monkey with hemmorroids!" Andy: "I do?" Lucy: "Yes, and you are a lousy lover, so get better at that too while I am gone. Go find Lana, maybe she will improve you while I'm away." Andy: "Away? You mean you're leaving, WHY!?!?" Lucy: "Andy didn't we just have this conversation, good God you're dumb!" Andy: "I am? WHY?!?!?" Lucy sighes frustrated and leaves the office. More to come later...

"This is the Girl."

Part 2 - REVISED

The Double-R Diner
Shelly Johnson was flipping through a magazine, a catalog filled with different kinds of dresses and women's lingerie. Norma Jennings was handing a plate of cherry pie to a customer as she glanced over Shelly's shoulder noticing the magazine. "Ooh those negligees look sexy!" Norma exclaimed. Shelly grinned and nodded in agreement. "Wait a minute!" Said Norma, "Leo Johnson has vanished, and plus you hate him...who're these sexy clothes for?" Norma inquired. Shelly merely widened her grin and continued flipping through the catalog. "Oh my goodness Shelly you're wearing them for Bobby Briggs?" Norma guessed. Shelly shook her head, "Ugh no way, I am so over him!" she proclaimed. Norma gave a surprised "oh?!" before wiping her hands on her apron, "Who is it that you're seeing?" she asked. Shelly turned from the catalog and looked directly at Norma, "He's only the most wonderful, most awesome guy ever..." she said. "Who?" Norma asked, budding with excitement. "He's only been to Twin Peaks a couple of times but he is the bee's knees..." Shelly went on to say. "Who, who is this dream guy Shell?" Norma asked again. "His name's Gordon Cole, and he is such a stallion!" Shelly replied. "Gordon Cole?" Norma reiterated, "I am nor sure if I know who that is Shelly." Norma said."Oh he was the older gentleman that works in the FBI; you know, Coop's boss." Shelly explained as she took down a customer's order. "Oh really he is also in the FBI?" Norma said. "Yes, and guess what...we're getting married!" Shelly happily exclaimed. Norma squealed and she grabbed Shelly and hugged her and the two girls happily bounced up and down screaming alerting attention from the customers.

The Great Northern Inn; Agent Cooper's suite
Dale cooper lay in bed, it was 3:00 in the morning he contemplated getting out and taking a walk down to the river to do some night fishing like Garland had showed him but dismissed the idea. Cooper got up and entered his bathroom, he opened the medicine cabinet and retrieved a bottle of sleeping aids. He filled a small paper cup halfway with water and swallowed two little blue sleeping pills and hopped back into bed. Not even five minutes later he detected a presence in the room with him, he turned over to see a young man with long dark hair wearing a black leather jacket laying beside him in the bed. "Wow those sleeping pills really work fast!" Dale exclaimed. "This is not a dream." The young man announced. "Oh." Dale replied half-heartedly. "This important so listen to what I have to say; my name is Ed and I've been with Maggie and Joel, the good Joel is still in Sicily Alaska, write it in your diary." The young man stated. Dale rubbed his eyes and looked over at the bedside alarm clock and then looked back but the young man had vanished. "Well that was...odd." Dale said to himself. Then out of nowhere there was a loud banging on the adjoining wall: "Keep it down in there you nut, we're trying to be intimate in here!" cried an elderly man's voice. "Mayor Milford?" Dale quietly said to himself before turning in for the night.

Somewhere in Twin Peaks
Mike took the wheel as Bobby pulled out a baseball bat and knocked over mailboxes, "This is sure is fun eh Mike?" Bobby exclaimed happily. "Yea yea now I know what my granddad was always raving about!" Mike replied. "Hey Mike, I gotta a real good idea man!" Bobby giggled excitedly. "Oh yea, what is it man?" Mike replied. "Let's go to that cheating slut Laura Palmer's house and teach her a lesson for cheating on me with that emo-kid James Hurley!" Bobby announced. "Yea man that is a good idea, but let's get some beer and cocaine first!" Mike suggested. "Man that is a good idea, but I know where we can get some pot for practically nothing!" Bobby exclaimed. "No way dude really, where!?" Mike responded. "Drive to Donna Hayward's house man!" Bobby ordered while swinging the bat outside the car window.

Windom Earle's Shack in the Woods
Leo was crying into his hello kitty stuffed pillow and rocking himself back and forth as Windom adjusted the back zipper on his Margaret Lanternman disguise. "Shut up and come zip me up you big baby!" Windom barked at him. Leo upset, pushed his doll aside and got up to do as Windom had asked. "Good boy, now go make me a strawberry margarita!" Windom demanded. "But we don't have the ingredients to make-" Leo protested, but Windom pulled out the collar's remote and threatened to use it on him. "Ah-h, there are no 'buts' in imagination land!" Windom exclaimed. Leo turned to the kitchen area of the small shack and mumbled to himself; "I tried telling him, but what does he want me to do fart out a margarita?" Just then a car pulled up and a door slammed shut. Window's attention was completely taken by the sound, "Leo, never mind that's the pizza delivery man, go answer the door!" Leo turned and snickered under his breath as the Domino's guy banged on the door. "Domino's, I got a large pepperoni pizza with anchovis, and mushrooms." yelled the pizza guy. Leo hesitated to answer him, knowing what Windom would do to the guy upon being let inside. Windom hid behind his pink vanity mirror and motioned for Leo to answer the door while holding up the remote. Leo sighed before turning the doorknob and opening the door. "Hi, did you order a large pizza?" asked the delivery person. "Uhhh...yea?" Leo replied. "Oh good, that will be twelve bucks sir." the delivery boy said. "why doncha come in so I can pay ya eh nice big tip sonny!" Windom Earle cried out in a falsetto. Leo blocked the boy's path and tried handing him a note that read: "Save Shelly" but the boy passed it off as a joke and laughed at him, “I still need to collect my money man.” The pizza boy stepped past Leo and entered the shack, "Uh miss I have your pizza here, ma'am?" The boy called to Windom but could not see him. "Oh just set it there on the table sweetie." Windom said in falsetto. Then Windom gave the command and Leo slammed shut and locked the shack door and began clubbing the delivery boy repeatedly with a table leg until he passed put on the floor.

Twin Peaks Sheriff's Station
Andy Brennan was standing outside the station and leaning against Lucy Moran's car despite the restraining order she had placed onto him only three weeks ago stating that he could not be within fifty feet of her person. Pete Martell dressed up in fishing garb passed by and stopped when he noticed Andy by himself in the station parking lot. "Say Andy what're you doing out here?" Pete asked. "Oh hi Pete, I'm waiting for my girlfriend to clock out so I can clock her one." Andy replied. "Oh that sounds fun, can I watch?" Pete wondered. "Oh sure, pull up a lawn chair." Andy stated. Pete looked around but could not see any lawnchairs. "Andy tell me what you're really doing out here by yourself." Pete asked. "The truth is Pete, Lucy's going to San Francisco, California and she's leaving without me." Andy explained. "Oh poor Andy, and you're upset because you won't get to flirt with any cuties?" Pete guessed. "Aww Pete you always know just what to say!" Andy replied cheerfully. "Women's intuition." Pete said with a smile and a wink. "Say, how about you and I stowaway into Lucy's car?" Andy suggested. "You mean both of us going to San Francisco?" Pete wondered. "Yea!" Andy cheerfully replied, "We could just hide in the trunk of Lucy's car and she'll never know we're here!" Pete thought about it for a minute before responding. "Say Andy, what if she gets a flat and needs to open the trunk to get out the spare tire?" Pete wondered. "Oh that won't happen I threw away the spare tire already!" Andy exclaimed proudly. "Oh boy..." Pete replied unimpressed.

"This is the Girl."

It's not a criticism, just an observation. I'm happy for people to 'express' themselves but the punchline always seems to be 'is gay'. I'm not offended by it, it's just been done so many times before - James is gay, Just You and I is gay, I could go on and on... People have very exotic ideas about what being gay entails and the popular perception is a bloated parody that bears no resemblance to real life.

'Gay' and 'ugly' are the most frequently used insults of choice on the board. It wasn't always like this. We had to wait for a few of the more prolific posters to go through puberty and realise they had nothing to look forward to in life (they know who they are).

And no, I don't think you're one of them.  

A few years ago I was called a "Catholic homophobic idiot" and as far as I remember there was no single reaction on the board.

Here it took one short "it's homophobic" and a couple of posts - and bah! the writer changes her text.

Hail to the modern ideas of tollerance

Sorry but I lost interest in your text, Margaret, after what I read above. Probably my loss, thinking from the reactions of your first readers, the story is really good. Unfortunately I am allergic to treating the word "homophobic"as one that cuts down the discussion. I lived it a country where any word of alleged criticism of the system used to be defined as "counterrevolutionist" and also would cut down any discussion. It works in a scarefully similar way.

Bobi 1 Kenobi

B. Beware
O. Of
B. BOB 

 You've clearly only posted in this thread because you're bitter and you have an axe to grind. Your motives are so transparent, I'm actually mortified on your behalf. Has it not occurred to you that the person who called you a "Catholic homophobic idiot" might have had a point? And why would you expect people to leap to your defence anyway? I don't know you from Adam but your post was so manipulative, I can't help thinking you have a screw loose... 

I wouldn't want anyone to change anything on my account (I'm honestly not that bothered) but it reflects well on MargaretLanternman that she/he took the time to listen to other people's opinions and adjust the 'parody'... I find gay 'comedy' stereotypes so tired and lacking in entertainment value, I'd recommend not going down that route purely for artistic reasons. It's lowest common denominator entertainment. 

I love ML for making the effort...  

I don't think modifying my story really made it any less funny, I mean Donna is still a spoiled/paranoid girl who thinks James is sleeping around with someone who is not her (no specific gender mentioned) despite the fact that he is a skilled mechanic under the tutelage of Big Ed Hurley. The comedy in that is that it is Donna's own ignorance or maybe negligence to realize that just because he is not right there beside her 24/7 does not mean that James is doing anything morally reprehensible (i.e. being a prostitute). It isn't so much the idea of James being a gay prostitute - no, the idea is just Donna believing that he is using his body to make money from whomever is willing to buy it from him(a certain blond haired woman from the Season 2 comes to mind) which can be gay/straight or otherwise, it would not matter because Donna would still have a conniption fit over it. 

All in all this way it can be funny and still push the envelope a bit, I mean I would much rather approach the subject of describing the TMFAP with a PC attitude "Little Person" or "Dwarf" over the alternative, that way no one gets seriously offended but most importantly people will continue to read. 

"This is the Girl."

I am sure it didn't. If it was good, it still is. I just wanted to express that I felt discouraged to read it and said that probably it was to my own disadvantage. I should have restrained myself from that comment at all, now I know. But since I haven't - and apparently yesterday I failed to make my point clear - a word of explanation:

I did not intend my post as an attack on faceintheleaves or Cooped. They have every right to express their opinion, which I deeply respect. What disturbs me is not their opinion but the fact that the label "homophobic" has such a power to drive people into self-justification and apologies, even if they didn't do anything wrong - an observation I do not base on a couple of posts here but on many years of watching the world around me, especially public life. I am asking myself a question: why does freedom of speech so often NOT apply to the alleged homophobia? Why can one be for example strongly and often in an insulting manner anti-religious and it is alright within the freedom of speech but it is not alright to be homophobic? For myself, I find that both are not alright if they insult people. But if we praise freedom of speech, why the lack of consequence?

Still most importantly, I haven't had an opportunity to see your original text, but from all I read (most of all - from what you yourself, Margaret, wrote about your intentions) I don't believe your text was really homophobic. Was it? Do you hate gay/ lesbian? Did you want to offend them? Is making jokes about homosexuals indeed homophobic?

P.S.

Because I would do so myself? if someone in my presence insulted a person with whom I had posted with on my favourite message board for 5 years or so... I would. And even if it was someone unknown to me, and I was a moderator, I would not allow such a thing to be left without reaction.

So yes, you are right, faceintheleaves, that I am bitter in that respect. And it is my fault that I let this bitterness go out in a moment when I look back to the Twin Peaks board after many months (if not years) of silence. It was unnecessary and poor on my part.

However, please remember that - as you wrote yourself - you don't know me very well and that judging a person from one post is . . . ah, you know yourself.

Bobi 1 Kenobi

B. Beware
O. Of
B. BOB 

 i didn't think so. i thought, like you said, that donna was jumping to conclusions once again - something that her character does on a regular basis.

 it takes a lot of bravery to post fic here, period. i really enjoyed what you wrote and i hope to see more soon.

Er, would you like some lemonade? I also have some saltines and some apple butter. Or would you like to wash your hands?

kittyvillain.blogspot.com

Thank you, Margaret, for your well-balanced and totally not personal posts. It's a pleasure to read someone who shows that they don't always have to be 100% right and have the last word (quoting your own words). Now that I've read your posts, I start growing a new interest for your other writings again ;-)

Wish you good luck in further attempts, too!

PS.

Don't worry, I came to this forum eight years ago, spend many years here and I was also ignorant of that fact ;-)

PPS.

Bobi 1 Kenobi

B. Beware
O. Of
B. BOB